Who was cool enough to grow up with Blink 182? Any takers? How about you black metal girl? Or you uber Metallica fan? Cannibal Corpse dude? No? Well if you are a proud 90’s kid you know you were eating Blink 182 up! We sure were! And now, at the twilight of our youth, we FINALLY got to experience the hype our respective peers were blubbering about all those years ago. We finally understood why Blink 182 couldn’t wait for the summer and the Warped Tour. This year’s Warped Tour invaded Qualcomm Stadium again on August 5 and it was an offer we could not refuse. Now, without further ado, let the fools tell you all about it.
Jenny Oh: We were ready to let Municipal Waste fuck us up! Because I wanted to eclipse the pain of missing Carnifex. Damn that Qualcomm summit o’ doom!!!
Chuggo The Klown: The Klown is many things, but he is sure as shit not fit anymore. The spirit is willing but the flesh needed rest! Yes the Warped Tour took place at the beginning of this month but let’s face it, like you had anything better to do.
J: We sure as hell didn’t that day and with such a sexy line up, we gave in to our angsty temptation. I’ve never been so disoriented in my life…well I have but there were so many options, so much music, such wow! Luckily a nice young fellow let us see his schedule and we realized we needed to run in to Municipal Waste’s arms….
C: SO THAT THEY COULD FUCK US UP!
J: I was getting to that Chuggo!
C: You took too damn long. But first Honorable Mentions! To our local deathcore band Carnifex and to the metalcore band Counterparts, we wish would could have seen more…
Municipal Waste
J: What he’s trying to say is that we were late and we goofed! Sowwy guys #booyouwhores Alas, we were there on time for Municipal Waste and they were calling our name! Right when we got there, they disowned us and spewed out the appropriate song “You’re Cut Off.”
C: And the pit it garnered! You know its never too early for a pit when Muni Waste gets shit started.
J: They didn’t need the magic of the “Sadistic Magician” to keep that pit going, oh and the killer song too I guess.
C: Tony Foresta as always, such a friggin’ treat to see on stage. He even did the youngens a solid, he told everyone what they were and for those playing the home game, they are thrash.
J: Well actually they are crossover thrash metal which is a sweet combination of…
C: Thank you professor! No one cares! As much as the Klown would love to keep talking about the Waste and it wouldn’t be a Waste party without Municipal Waste…
J: IS GONNA FUCK YOU UP! What a treat man.
C: Now before the Klown talks about his future ex-wife…
J: Isis Queen doesn’t even know who you are!
C: She’s a goddess AND a queen?!… Madre de dios….
J: You bring shame to our name. Before we went to the temple of these punk goddesses and gods, we got ourselves a nice lil loot! Amidst our hunt, we had a magical and unexpected encounter that would forever change our lives. You could say it was the best day of our lives.
C: What are you talking about “college” student?
J: The Warped Tour gods smiled down on us on our maiden voyage and we encountered the GWAR roadie who was overjoyed with our GWAR shirts and hugged me! *Sniff* And I got to give Pustulus Maximus a bro shake *sniff* I wanted to hug him but…
C: Whoa! Hold on there, horn dog! The Klown ALSO got a hug, and a bro shake, and shared the encounter but let’s save the rest of that for part deux!
J: Yeah I guess…You’re lucky I’m excited for the next band!
Barb Wire Dolls
(L to R: Bassist Iriel Blaque, vocalist/khaleesi/the Klown’s future ex-wife Isis Queen, drummer Krash Doll, guitarist Pyn Doll)
C: Allow the Klown to introduce to you his future ex-wife and her band. *Clears throat*
J: The suspense is totally killing me, Klown *rolls eyes*
C: First off, screw you and secondly, the Klown will talk about his goddess/queen and her band of merry punkers. A myth come true, the Barb Wire Dolls.
J: Straight outta Crete, these Greek rebels were ready to send shockwave and empower us. And Rolling Stones Magazine was there to catch all the action in all its gritty glory! Yours truly had several close ups 😉 I’m gonna be a star!
C: Don’t pat yourself on the back too much, the Klown was also caught in several close ups. Never underestimate the star power that the Klown still carries. Especially once his heart matched the beginning of their opening song.
J: Viewers discretion advised after people see your fugliness because its sure to give people a “Heart Attack.” The song is killer though! This song got my blood pumpin’ and my heart racing and I don’t just mean my dehydration! ‘Cause we are young and we are strong! Isis Queen said so after all. This punk rock Queen instantly infected us with Barb Wire Doll fever!
C: Most in attendance were young, grandma. The Klown will agree with you, the Dolls momentum and set can be best described like their catchy punk song, “World On Fire.” Sorry Alicia Keys but the Klown’s girl and her crew were on fire!
J: THE queen won us ALL over and wasn’t afraid to get close to us plebeians. No, Isis Queen was humble and hopped on the rail and got in our sweaty faces just to serenade us her revolutionary punk hymns. When she was done greeting and pumping up her court, she had her human photog chariots carry her back on to the stage. You know what, I may just have to marry her.
C: Not before I, betch! And yes, when she got off the stage and was around the plebes from the opposite side of the rail, she would use the photographers as her personal steeds to get back to the stage and continue to kick major ass! And as much the Klown would like to keep speaking about his goddess/queen, the Klown has to bring up the other stand out of this awesome band, lead guitarist, Pyn Doll!
J: Aww yes. Pyn Doll was fantastic and adding fuel to my Queen’s intensity but I gotta also give major props to my girl bassist Iriel Blaque and rhythm guitarist Remmington Pearce! Blaque and Pearce became a wonder to watch as well because there was nothing that could keep those two confined in one spot. Though to be fair, when Isis was getting close and personal with all of us, Pyn Doll, Blaque and Pearce were shreddin’ together while drummer Krash Doll beat that drum to pieces like his life depended on it.
C: Yeah, Barb Wire Dolls finished their time with their Punk anthem for the voiceless and the unjust, “Revolution.” Although it pained the Klown to hear them stop, he took solace knowing that they will be returning on November 24. The Klown will take the words of Dr. Algernop Krieger from Archer, “Stop, my penis can only get so erect.”
Alestorm
J: Speaking of erect, we raised our sails and busted out our metaphorical bottles of rum for Alestorm.
C: This would mark the second time yours truly has seen these sea dogs. So this landlubber knew that he was gonna be three sheets to the wind on their music as opposed to the alcohol that yours truly couldn’t find.
J: ‘Twas my maiden voyage on the S.S. Alestorm. Who could have thought these funny lads were a simple band in the Pirates of the Caribbean ride and have now evolved into this. Good for them! We all joined forces in the drunken sing along to our favorite pub, “Sunken Norwegian.”
C: The scalawags and poser would be “Keelhauled” and of course, frontman/keytarist Christopher Bowes gave a shout out to our neighbors down south and continued with the drunken ode known as “Mexico.” Apparently the Klown also learned that Mexico has free beer, tequilas and lots of donkey shows, even though the Klown already had the knowledge about the last two things on that list.
J: Don’t forget the affordable medical procedures! And especially the street tacos…MMMMM!! After taking us to the magical world of “Mexico,” we couldn’t help but drink some more to “Drink” until we felt like we had been “Fucked With An Anchor.” What a beautiful song to bid us farewell!
Candiria
C: When the buccaneers disembarked us from their sailing debaucheries we were taken to the Amazon…. Well… we really walked to the Mutant Stage North to see the band named after the Amazonian terror, Candiria!
J: I still don’t know wtf that is after asking you a billion times but alas the beat coming off the stage and vocalist Carley Coma’s hype reeled me in. We swam to this spectacle and I couldn’t look away man! Especially the strange karate “moshing”/choreography happening in the pit. It was a different world…
C: Candiria’s name comes from the candiru, that evil little fish that swims up to the peehole whenever someone takes a leak in the Amazon river. But enough of the Amazonian Horror Story and more on Coma’s performance which the Klown wishes that he could have seen more of. Despite that, it doesn’t mean that yours truly didn’t enjoy the set. The Klown caught the performance of “While They Were Sleeping.” The best part of their time was when Coma took it to another level.
J: Coma abandoned the stage and joined us all! He was on a mission to conquer and had us all follow him and cross over to the stage next to theirs. Soon our horde joined the idle fans that were watching the spectacle at a distance while they waited for their band to play. Coma brought the fun to them and made them part of the show before looping back to Candiria’s stage. This follow the leader game made a goliath crowd and yours truly couldn’t help but skip right next to Coma and almost bump into him… I FELT SO ALIVE!
C: For those still playing the home game we were part of a traveling pit that crossed over to the next stage. The Klown was… Wow. His Blood. Was. Pumping! He felt like a kid again!
J: Candiria’s set made us shed a few years off and showed us a whole new type of showmanship. Watching them was a must and a great way to end part 1 of our Warped Tour adventure! Stay tuned for part 2 kids, ‘cause things are about to get wet and wild 😉
Ugh Metal 